


altschmerz

by deanssammy (babylxxrry)



Series: the dictionary of obscure sorrows [6]
Category: Supernatural, Supernatural (RPF)
Genre: Angst, Character Bleed, Character Study, Gen, M/M, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-02
Updated: 2018-02-02
Packaged: 2019-03-12 15:06:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13549866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babylxxrry/pseuds/deanssammy
Summary: altschmerz: n. weariness with the same old issues that you’ve always had—the same boring flaws and anxieties you’ve been gnawing on for years, which leaves them soggy and tasteless and inert, with nothing interesting left to think about, nothing left to do but spit them out and wander off to the backyard, ready to dig up some fresher pain you might have buried long ago.jared’s tired of it. sam is too.





	altschmerz

**Author's Note:**

> this is not indicative of my writing ability. this is messy. but i really, really needed to write a dos.

jared doesn’t have words to describe this feeling anymore. it’s an old feeling, a familiar feeling, but it’s sharply painful every time it comes up. it shouldn’t be. he should be used to this. calloused. numb. deadened to it, even.

but no. no, it hurts anew every time.

he doesn’t even know what it is. it’s a sting, it’s an ache, it’s a hollowness, it’s a numbness, it’s a heaviness, it’s floating, it’s all of it. and it’s old and familiar and he’s tired. tired of it. tired of it coming back up. tired of life. just tired.

it’s the same old anxieties and worries, the same old tiresome thing over and over and over, and he’s so tired of it. he just wants to be able to go about his day without overthinking everything, without poking and prodding at his metaphorical self every time he has a free moment.

part of it he knows is because sam’s struggling right now, because sam has so much weighing on his shoulders and his chest right now, old struggles, old trauma, old things he’s never gotten to say or work out with anyone. things that no one would even understand besides dean. things that he hasn’t been allowed to say or feel or think. and that bleeds into jared’s life, too.

and jared knows jensen knows. jensen tries, he really does, but there’s not much he can do to help jared except be there, to be a shoulder to lean on, to be a listener when jared’s having a bad night. to bring dean in when sam comes home with them.

and sometimes it helps, sometimes it eases the weight on jared’s chest and makes it easier to breathe, but there’s so much old emotion there that it’s hard to chip away at the knot without unravelling jared’s entire being. so sometimes jared will lock himself in his room and sob into his pillow because _he can’t breathe,_ because _it’s too much_ and _it hurts, sammy, it fucking hurts, i’m so sorry, i know, i’m sorry, i’m sorry i’m sorry, sam, i’m sorry_. those are the nights that jensen’s helpless, that dean’s helpless, that all they can do is sit outside, biting back tears that echo jared’s and sam’s, because there’s nothing either of them can do while the most important people in their lives suffer and ache and pick themselves apart piece by piece like they have so many times before.

and jared knows how hard it is for jensen, but he can’t let him in, can’t because he can’t help, won’t be able to keep jared from cracking under the pressure of the same old problems, the same old conflicts and turmoil over and over and over and over and over and over and _god,_ jared just wants to be able to breathe again, but as each past iteration of this has taught him, it’s not going to happen, not tonight. he’ll have to fight for every breath tonight, and that’s why sam comes home sometimes, because he’s stronger than jared, because he’s better at making himself breathe, but with him comes a whole other set of emotions, all of them familiar and bitter and painful.

sometimes when jared can’t stop sam or can’t get him to stay on his half of the room, and those are the nights where sam’s broken jared, the nights that leave jared voiceless, shaking, curled tight on himself in bed. those are the nights where sam’s come crashing through the door, bringing all of his pain with him, pain that’s as familiar to jared as his own, but at the same time, it’s so _different_. sam’s pain is trauma of all types, emotional, physical, mental, all of it. sam’s pain is emotional strain, sam’s pain isn’t something many people in the world can understand, let alone bear in silence.

and jared’s not sam. jared can’t take it all at once, not on top of his own struggles. so that’s when jared breaks, when he retreats into his mind, when he mulls over every thought, where he lets himself spiral down into some of the darkest parts of his own head.

and honestly, jared’s tired of it. he’s tired of having to bear sam’s burdens on top of his own. he’s tired. sam’s tired. jensen and dean are tired, too, but they’re not as vocal about it.

but it’s all the same old things. it’s all the same old hurts. each repetition aches just as much as the first time, and jared’s _tired_ of that. he’s tired of gnawing on the same emotions, the same situations and struggles over and over and over again, because it hurts. and he’s tired of hurting.

so jared says something he never thought he’d say.

 _i want to quit_. _i’m done. i can’t._

and jensen understands, pulls him into a hug, guiding his face into his neck, one hand fisted loosely in his hair and the other cupped possessively (protectively) around the nape of his neck.

_it’s okay, jay. it’s okay._

and sam sighs, too. dean settles a hand at the junction of his shoulder and neck, thumb rubbing possessive circles into the side of his neck.

_i’m tired, dean. i’m tired, and i want to be done. i want out._

_life done or cabin done?_

sam shrugs defeatedly, and dean wraps him in a tight, tight hug, like he can protect his sammy from everything that hurts him over and over again, everything old and everything familiar and worn. 

_okay. okay, sammy. c’mon, let’s go._

 

-fin.

**Author's Note:**

> happy birthday to me. leave a comment or kudos.


End file.
